We’ve heard of the techniques for becoming a better listener. Let people speak first, pause and then respond, and only share your story when appropriate. Resist offering unsolicited advice. Be aware of the underlying emotions and practice patience. Some of us implement these listening skills, while others may struggle. We all have stories to tell and we all want to make others feel better, so we may offer solutions, thinking that these might be helpful. How does this work when we are listening to our children?
Having emotional conversations with our children could be one of those situations where we struggle to actively listen. If our children approach us when they are upset, angry, confused or stressed, we might find it difficult to resist the urge to make them feel better. Our cause and effect thinking might be looking for reasons for their distress. We might ask them why they are feeling a certain way and tell them how they can do better or worse, and still attempt to fix it for them. And what happens then? We get to hear that we don’t understand them, we simply “don’t get it” or they shut down. We might take it at face value and leave it at that, or try and probe further, which has the potential to end in a conflict.
What makes us respond in this way to our children? It might be that we feel helpless and upset because we don’t know what they are struggling with. The truth is that we cannot help our children in the way we think works best. We don’t always have the answers, and we don’t always need to know the reasons immediately. What is important is to hear them out first, to calm our thoughts and tune in to their words, facial expressions, and tone. Just listen. Imagine watching a movie in a theatre without any disruptions, as opposed to watching a movie with non-stop comments. Which experience seems more engaging?
So, how can you, as a parent, practise engaged listening?
While listening to your children, tune out of what’s happening inside your minds. Press pause on replies and advice. These can come later when required. Look at their faces, focus on their voice modulation, and ask questions that help you understand the implied meaning of their experience. This will give you some indication of their emotional state. Your attention is your power. Once children feel heard, and you have listened to them till the end, there may not be a need to fix anything. If something needs to be done, you may find the most suitable course of action together. Better still, you can ask them how best you can support them. A new bond will be created between you and your children. With your guidance and support, they will feel heard, and this may give them the solution that works for them.